A tale of two greats

On the train back from Leeds last night, me & Lew were sat near to these two characters, which could only be described as unique. One was dressed in a similar vien to Meatloaf. He was fully equiped with an Indiana Jones/bondage esque whip, which was holstered to his leather trousers. His friend was sporting a finely grown beard, which complemented his ponytail no end.
The drunken conversation we overheard reduced me to tears; it was simelar to Alan Partidge talking to David Brent, if they had both been beaten as children and ended up as social outcasts.

"Just because you dress like a homosexual Frenchman, doesn't mean you have to speak french"
"Retards speak french"
"Smashing is... smashing me... smashing means, in Scottish... Smashing"
"God, get a life other than texting me, would you mate?!"
"even the dumbest Scot is smarter than the dumbest English"
"The more people you have, the more inbreeding you have"
"I mean, Wanker is not a good surname, is it?"
"The highest deathrate, per capita, than anywhere... in the world"
"In Poland, if you meet someone with the same surname, chances are you're related"
"They flew like imbociles ... you simply couldn't control them"
"ah well... I don't remember the second world war"
"I tend to be an expert on alot of subjects"
"I study everything... even in primary school they called me the walking, talking encyclopedia"
"I don't like the fact people are too skint to dress properly" - a grand statement from someone who has a whip as part of their outfit.
"well if you want to buy me a new trench coat, feel free!"